India is like another planet altogether.

By Frank-O, our international writer.
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"Oh, Frank. My family's not very open to changes. They're very Orthodox."

When Lakshmi said this to me, I really wondered how their church leanings will decide if they'd approve of me. I'd have never thought Lakshmi was Christian till then - well, yes, she looked like one while in the US - but I'd seen her pictures when she'd been in India (bindi and all the other indian stuff) - and assumed she was not. I'd always been uncomfortable when it came to talking to people about their religion - even if it was my girlfriend.

Her name was weird too - Lakshmi Parthasarathy. It's difficult, that 'ksh' sound. And I gave up trying to pronounce her last name after missing a 'sa' or a 'ra' every time. I just say 'Part' these days. Apparently, Indians from a particular region used their father's first name as their last names. I guess it was a sign of respect.

When the cab was pulling into her house in Chennai (we went to attend her elder brother's wedding and at the same time, introduce myself to the family), I really wished I'd learned more about her country and her family. In the US, Both of us worked for the same firm, we had a lot in common and we had other things to talk about. To be fair to her, she did bring this up an awful lot of times before the trip - and I'd told her I'd manage without listening much to her.

Wikipedia cannot prepare you for India. Trust me on that.

When she'd told her parents about our desire to get married to each other, there had been yelling and shouting and a whole lot of fights - but finally, they'd come around. Another Indian friend of mine, Shaama, suggested that physically going to Lakshmi's part of India was a risk because they might beat me up - and put me back on a flight if I was still alive after the beating. When I told him that Lakshmi called it nonsense, he suggested I watch a specific movie to prepare myself.

I must admit I would not have been that scared if I hadn't listened to him. It was a fictional story about a guy from Shaama's part of India win a girl from the South - Lakshmi's part. You have to see it to believe it. The girl's dad had like a million henchmen - giant thugs who made the biker gangs look like rookies. Shaama said it was fairly common in that part of the country and the movie would have been very realistic if the hero in the movie was killed by the thugs instead of winning the girl with insane stunts. By the way, there's supposed to be an 'r' in Shaama's name, I need to look him up to figure out where.

That also reminds me, I lost internet access along with my contacts and everything once I landed in India. My phone fell on the curb outside the airport - and it turned out curbs in India had a generous number of really sharp stones. My iPhone cracked; Mr.Jobs didn't consider India while designing it, I suppose.

When we reached her place, a couple of women (Laksh's aunts) emulated a theme park ride in front of the two of us using a plate with a very red liquid. Lakshmi's dad told me that it was done to magically ward off evil eyes. I asked him if it was an Indian tradition, he bobbed his head (yes? no?) and said it was a religious thing - a Hindu tradition. That confused me a lot till Lakshmi clarified later that they were indeed Hindus, and she'd used the word 'Orthodox' to mean 'Conservative'. There went the one thing I'd prepared to wow her parents - extracts from the Bible.

Shaama's fears were also misplaced, I suppose. Lakshmi's parents and her extended family talked a lot - but were nowhere near the thugs I saw in the movie. They were very docile and nearly all of them looked like nerds, with the glasses and everything. They were all engineers and doctors - I knew Lakshmi was very intelligent, but till now, I find it really creepy that everyone in the family was intelligent. I am not even exaggerating - her kid brother (Arjun) who was supposed to be in an engineering college, was well versed about everything from Dostoevsky to Burning Man and was a fine conversationalist. He was my stand-in wikipedia till I got a local phone and yes, he did a better job than the website. He also predicted rather accurately where I'd mess up and suggested alternatives before I even needed to ask him. He also asked me about weed and seemed very knowledged about it all. He also suggested that I shouldn't mention it to Lakshmi or her parents.

Lakshmi had told me that the weather would be warm - at about a hundred degrees. I was prepared for that, but no one warned me about the humidity. It took me about five minutes in the open sun to look like I jumped into the shower with all my clothes on. All I did for the first two days was to drink fluids and stay in an air conditioned bedroom. I still felt very dehydrated. The Jet lag was laughably easy to manage in comparison.

One weird thing I wanted to talk about was how they called each other. They did not use names except for the kids - they called each other by how they were related to each other. I guess that was okay for fathers and uncles,  but they did the same for the brother-in-law, the son-in-law, elder siblings and most others. For example, Arjun referred to Lakshmi as 'Akka' (local language for 'elder sister') all the time. Lakshmi proudly said it was a sign of respect, thought I didn't think Arjun's tone was one of respect. The house was packed with, like, 15 people during my stay there, so a lot of these words were flying around. The word for elder brother was Anna - and was very commonly used in the household, confusing me to no end. I didn't know the word to begin with - so I was looking for this mysterious Anna thinking it was someone's name. When I asked people where Anna was, they all pointed at different dudes. Arjun explained it to me on the third day after I asked him why he called his elder brother that. I thought it was all over when a girl called her husband Yaenna and confused me all over again. Lakshmi explained it was a community thing. Apparently, it was common in her community to do that (she called her community Tambram). I found out much later that she was just pulling my legs. I found a place called Tambram in the city only a few days before we flew back. I didn't expect her to fool me like that, though.

I did manage to head back to the US alive, but not before a bunch of crazy adventures. I'll write about them when I have some time.

- Frank.


PS: You know this is a blog for stories / fiction etc right?