Ten Minute Yoga

I picked up this new ten minute yoga fad a couple of weeks back. It’s easy, takes ten minutes like they claim and I feel excellent that I completed some set of exercises. All that without troubling myself too much. I knew there was a catch there - how was it exercise if you didn’t trouble yourself even a little bit? I liked the set though - it involved stretching and breathing mostly. I decided to live in a state of comfortable, cozy denial.

Like anyone living in such a delusion, I was angry when my mom didn’t count that as 'real exercise’. This was moments after I finished the set yesterday.

“Yea? What do you mean?” I tried to come up with an alternate explanation for her remark that still showed my exercise in a positive light. I couldn't. So, I put that question directly to her. “What do you mean it doesn’t count? Of course it counts. Even the Government promotes Yoga.”

“Yes, but that’s real yoga,” she said, stepping on my pride just a little bit. "Not a couple of easy stretches that doesn’t even take ten minutes.”

“Two stretches? There are ten exercises in this set! That includes an arduous one where I need to bend myself into an inverted V shape. And another where I need to stand on a leg for an entire minute without falling down on either side.”

She considered my argument like that school headmaster who heard from a student who couldn’t make it to school the previous day because 'a dinosaur broke into town and broke a bridge he had to cross to get to the school'. Oh the student seemed crestfallen about it, what with how much he liked the school and its exams. But the headmaster knew better. 

“No,” she said after that brief pause. “Doesn’t count.”

“Yea? Why?”

“There’s not a drop of sweat on your face. Did you wipe it off with a towel?”

“Yes.” I lied. 

Of course I didn’t sweat. Ten minutes of deep breathing under a fan did not make anyone sweat. But I did what I had to do when I was beaten. I lied. I could have used Bangalore’s beautiful weather as an excuse on cooler days, but the summer had not been kind. The city had been two steps away from feeling like a desert with a few suns beating down on it with a heat that could evaporate even the sand.

The smirk on her all knowing face was enough to tell me that she knew it was a lie. It did little to pacify my emotions at that point. 

“See for yourself tomorrow,” I challenged.

Now, there was a slight problem with that particular challenge. It was clear that I wasn’t going to sweat the next day either. I was also lazy enough not to try any backbreaking exercise sets, like running on a treadmill. But I did come up with what I considered a splendid plan to succeed. I chose to wait till after it was noon and chose to do the set in the hottest room in the house. The weather was perfectly sultry at that time of the day. I was betting on sweating considerably even if I just sat there for ten minutes without moving a muscle. As expected, at the end of the set, there were beads of well planned sweat on my face. 

I proudly walked to find my mom in the kitchen. “See?” I asked. “This yoga set does work!”

She was standing right next to the bloody stove and was easily sweating a lot more than I managed. “Good job, man." I didn't need a sarcasm signboard to understand her tone. "You look like you’ve lost a kilo just by sweating."

I walked away, knowing there’s no defeating her at anything.

Murder on the dot

It took Charan almost five minutes to open the door with his key.

He felt he was alert enough, but his hand eye coordination was beginning to fail for the second time that night. He got sloshed again on the way to his house. He had to, because all the high from the evening's party had drained out of him the instant he figured that she was dead. Dead! Charan had never seen someone die before then. The intensity of the situation had given him the chills - his fingers were still cold and numb, four hours later.

He felt exhausted - which was normal after lugging a dead person to his car, driving halfway around the city, carrying her from the car into the forested area outside the city, burning her, buying his drinks without being seen (he had started craving for alcohol lately) and returning to the house. He burnt her behind a brightly lit signboard that said that a famous builder was going to build an apartment complex there. He only hoped that no one noticed his car going out and coming back in. Lucky there weren't many houses on this stretch of road.

Charanjit Singh was an extremely analytical and methodical man - one of the things his now-dead wife, Anuja, used to love about him. She liked timetables and details to such an extent that she was obsessive about them. Obsessive enough to see a shrink about it and take too many meds. Everything in her world (and his) had to happen according to her plan. She was, in two words, a 'nut case'.

"Traffic? You're late by five minutes, Jeet. You walk in late like it's no big deal? You've ruined my entire evening for fuck's sake - and your excuse is traffic?!" 

"Blue is for Friday. Go and change quickly. Today's colour is green. Now. Don't just stand there! You only have three minutes to leave."

"It's 8:58. You got to brush in a minute and...55 seconds."

Well, it was almost midnight then and he hadn't brushed his teeth yet. Ha.

It wasn't just about minor things like brushing at night or going out to dinner. For starters, she got up at the exact moment everyday. 4 AM. Not a second later. Charan did not know if she had used alarm clocks before, but he never saw her use one after his wedding. She got out of bed suddenly at four, as if from a trance, and this freaked him out more than he cared to admit. Not only did she get out of bed at the exact second, she went to bed on the dot too, which led to many more endless arguments. Her relationship with Charan was timed too. It hurt him, and he couldn't talk to anyone about it. He was just another thing on Anu's timetable. A chore.

He lingered on the doorstep, wondering if he'd overlooked any detail, anything at all that could lead the police back to him. The Police! He knew he had to file a missing person case sometime. He wanted to make his plan as realistic as possible - something a caring husband would do if his darling wife actually went missing. Several people saw him drink like a tank at work that day - so it would look ridiculous if he went immediately. First, he would call her parents in the morning, then her doctor and a couple of her old friends just in case - and then go to the police before the end of day. It would be like he got up and found her missing - yes, that made the most sense to him. He made a mental note to first miss the 6 AM flight and then talk to his secretary. That would make it look like he was really confused about things, wouldn't it? He wasn't very convinced about the plan, but he still had an entire day to think things through.

A calm, quiet, relaxing day without Anuja Mirekar. He could get used to this.

Anu's advanced OCD also meant that she went over her plans again and again like a maniac. Even routine things like taking bath! She would worry about everything...all the time. Would this item get delayed? Will someone move that? A minute's delay to get the milk packets usually meant an entire day of shouting and crying. She was always on edge and always 'hyper', even when she was under the strongest depressants. She had become a parody of the girl he married - ghostly pale and skinny to the bone. Almost scary. Her lack of any real sleep showed in those dark rings and bags under her eyes. What he felt for her stopped being love a long time ago. He lost it on the way sometime in the last five years, along with a bit of himself. Pity was all that stood between him and complete apathy for her. He had even recently considered putting her in a hospital. Was it a good idea for her?

Well, all that mattered was that it was a good idea for him.

He walked in dizzily and locked the house behind him. He checked the lock a couple of times, and sank into the sofa to relax for a while. He could start doing things like 'taking a break' going forward. There was no one to nag him into doing things at the exact moment anymore. Ha. He listened to and revelled in the rare, deep silence that pervaded the house. Silence was beautiful. He could hear nothing except his own breath and the occasional vehicle on the dimly lit street. He lounged leisurely on the sofa with his eyes closed. He was not even sorry for her. He was scared for himself though, re-checking the timeline for the day several times in his mind.

The devil was always in the details.

**

Charan made himself a bit more comfortable on the sofa and tried to put his legs up on the coffee table. Only he missed - the coffee table wasn't where he thought it would be. It was a bit further from the single seater. Did he move it to move the corpse around? Or did the cushy sofa move back a little when he sank into it? He wasn't sure. He forced himself to run through the details of the accident one more time while trying to stand up in parallel. He took his time to get up to avoid any further vertigo. The more he thought about Anu's death, the more his head responded with a throbbing pain. He staggered to the medicine drawer and popped an aspirin. He knew he had run out of his first choice medicine: Booze.

The loud argument from that morning kept echoing in his head.

"Did you leave this switch on, Jeet? After everything I told you yesterday?"

"It's only a charger, Anu. Relax."

"Only a charger? You know I can't live like this!" She started raising her voice while fidgeting with her hands and walking around the room. It reminded him of animals that couldn't be still and for some reason, the green and white colours of hospitals. "Are you doing it out of spite, Jeet? Do you hate me? Do you want me to go mad, Jeet? Do you?" 

"Relax, Anu. You're starting to yell." 

"Of course I am yelling. How the fuck did you expect me to react?!" The shrillness in her voice would break some glass items one day.

"Calm down, Anu. You should take a few deep brea-" 

"Nonsense! You should take your own deep fucking breaths, Jeet. You can't manage one damn switch in the house - how the hell did you get them to trust you with so many people at work? Did you sleep with someone to get the job?" 

"Anu, listen to me. LISTEN!" He held her shoulders and shook her.

But she wasn't even hearing him. She had lapsed into her own world. Her ears were focused inwards - at all the voices inside her head mocking her. Her eyes were fixed on the switch that was left on. 

"And look at the marks on the wall around the switchboard. Can't you even switch it on like a human being, Jeet? With a finger? Do you absolutely have to rest your hand on the wall? Are you a Gorilla?"

Charanjit sighed, trying to get that argument out of his head. He wanted to get rid of the negativity that had sucked his life dry over five tiresome years. Anu had this incredible ability to get him to the edge in seconds but he never meant to hit her that day. Or on any other day.

Several things in the house looked a bit out of position then - the sofa, the table, the papers on the table,the television remote... Maybe a splash of cold water would help him. His shirt was dirty and stank of sweat and mud - he needed to wash it first thing in the morning. He walked over very slowly to the bathroom. Even the door to the bath looked like it had moved a little to its left. He shook his head to clear things a bit and walked in.

The bathroom reeked of her shampoo flavour - strawberry. He found it weird that she had taken her bath earlier that day instead of going by the timetable at "9:10:00 PM". He had struck her dead a little before 7 30, so she sure as hell didn't take her bath at the usual time. Maybe she showered early because she was going to meet her parents on their wedding anniversary? Was it really their anniversary that day? Quite possible, he thought, but the act was totally out of character for someone as crazy as Anuja. He found that her toothbrush was a bit wet too. This was strange because she usually brushed her teeth after dinner. Did she have too much of her meds that day? Was that why she started whining dramatically like a Shakespearean character the minute he entered the house?

The splash of cold water cleared his head a bit. He could feel the aspirin kicking in too. Good. He went from room to room to switch the lights off - leaving Anu's strange 'tantric' room out - and finally went to bed. The bedroom had a large king sized bed set against the wall to keep the switchboard accessible from the bed. The walls were a dark winter cherry - a compromise after he pleaded with her not to use pink. Anu went for white CFL lights later on, and whenever the lights were on, the walls looked pink anyway. She was cruel that way. There were full length cupboards on one side of the bed, with a life size mirror set on a door. On the other side of the bed was his work table and a chair, set next to a window that overlooked the street.

On hitting the bed, Charan realised that his pillow was fluffed neatly. She only did these at 10:30 PM every night - which added to his previous worries. Someone was trying to make him go mad! Lying there, he couldn't help but think of all the deviations in her schedule. She was dead. Dead. Did she do all this out of schedule? Or did she haunt the place post her death? The latter option was slightly more believable.

Anuja was a huge believer in both the light and the dark sides of life, religiously speaking. One of the rooms in the house had virtually become a temple because her plans were incompatible with delays at actual places of worship. One section of the room was also dedicated to the dark, tantric side of religion where she had carved rangoli-like symbols into various metal plates and hung them around the room. She also got into 'conversing with the dead' after a friend of hers, Suja, died in a road accident two years earlier. Charan strongly believed that religion was a man made concept and that she was wasting her time - but she let her be. If it meant that she would leave him alone for a while, why in the world would he want to change that?

Things got a bit serious about seven months earlier when she claimed she 'finally spoke to Suja' and that her friend was doing just fine post death. When she started talking to someone named "Suja" in her sleep, he dialled her shrink. When she found out that Charan had told on her, she seemed deeply hurt. She made her displeasure crystal clear, droning on about a lack of trust in their relationship for a week. She never told him anything about her tantric experiments after that day. He checked the crazy room once a month just to see if anything had gone overboard. When she wasn't around, of course.

Charan felt for some reason that he ought to check that room once before going to sleep. He reluctantly reached his hand out to turn the lights on and slowly got up. He wasn't too sure how far the floor was below his feet as he slowly and steadily walked to the room. Anuja liked to keep the door shut, primarily to keep his atheism out. When he opened the door, the dim lights mixed with the oil lamps shocked him. The incense sticks were burning - and the oil levels in the lamps were near full, which meant that they were lit very recently, like in the last hour or so. He quickly shut the door and almost ran back to his room in fear. He felt fear spreading through his veins, getting hold of his systems.

Drank too much... Must be the drink... Oh God, let it be the whisky.

He decided that keeping all the lights in the house lit for one night would not be such a terrible idea.

**

"What do you mean, you're going to sleep now? It's just 7:20. And what do you mean, wake you up at 4? How drunk are you anyway?" 

Very drunk, he thought to himself. The day wasn't going to end well. He had just returned from work. Maybe lighten things up with a joke?

"You get up at 4 like an alarm clock anyway, right? Just wake me up too, Anu." 

"Why?" Her tone was calm and cold. It was a warning. 

"What do you mean, why? I just want to get up early." 

"You have a flight, don't you? Going out of town?" 

Charan sighed and prepared himself for the impending onslaught. "Anu, you know how my job works. I'll be back in the evening, so it'll just be like a work day. No difference at all." 

"You'll be leaving for the airport at what? Five in the morning? How is it normal? You usually leave at 9. Don't do this to me."

"Well, the evening will be normal." 

"Ha ha, Mr.Charanjit. Tomorrow's a Wednesday. And you know what today is? My parents' wedding anniversary. We have to leave for dinner," she checked her watch. "In another nine minutes - and be back before 8:30, so we can get on with our life."

"What is this life you are talking about?" His frustration (and the alcohol in his blood) got the better of his common sense.

Anuja stared at him for a few seconds silently. He knew that look. The lull before the storm... 

Damage control time. "This is the big one tomorrow, Anu. The meeting tomorrow will pretty much decide how my work life will be for the next three years. Three years at the least." He kept his voice low - a sign of complete surrender. "Can we please just talk to your parents on the phone? I'm sure they will understand my position." 

"You had enough time to drink like a pig today! You could have come home earlier and you could have done this dinner instead." 

"I know." His vision was a bit blurred after the alcoholic celebrations at office for winning a contract. He barely made it home without crashing his car. "But I didn't know - I mean - I didn't remember that it's your parents' anniversary. And you don't like it when I come home before or after 7:15." 

"Shut up, Charan! Just shut the hell up! Nothing in my life is right. I get up to switches being on around the house and... " 

The dreaded tirade had begun. He was used to ignoring her yells - imagining that someone in the neighbourhood was fighting instead and check emails like nothing was amiss at all. Sometimes, he liked to imagine that she was part of a TV show. 

"Are you even a human being? Do you not care at all?..." 

Oh, she had started the Tuesday speech. How did she manage to create a reason to deliver this speech every single Tuesday? Usually, he ignored it - he knew the next few lines of her speech by heart - but the tipsiness from the drink reacted with her speech to build what he predicted could be a particularly painful headache. 

"Stop it." He knew she had no intentions of stopping midway through her speech. He could hear the distant thrumming deep within his head. Anu's strange and childish habit of following him (he tried walking away), standing next to his right ear and yelling into it didn't help his case. 

"I understand, Anu." This speech was a chore to her, he thought. She had to finish the 30 minute speech or her head would explode. His reactions didn't matter. Was it really her parents' anniversary that day? Did she make it up to get a chance to yell at him? 

"STOP IT!" He turned right to hold her and shake her, a usual procedure suggested by her shrink whenever she lapsed into one of her episodes. It was supposed to make her consider the reality around her, instead of droning on. But he turned too fast and she didn't expect him to. His right hand struck her behind the earlobes with quite some force. She fell to the floor, but looked alright for a few seconds. Shocked that he hit her, but alright.

Then, she collapsed.

Was there a noise?

He was so used to sleeping in a dark room that the lights felt too strong on waking up from his nightmare. The dizziness was still there, so he knew he hadn't slept enough. The headache had gone up a few notches. Was that some one speaking? It came from the living room. The voice was barely more than a murmur.

Thieves?

He took a couple of seconds to try and clear his mind to no avail. Slowly, he got out of bed and tiptoed as much as he could to see who was in the living room. From behind the curtains, he saw that the room was empty. A few seconds later, he heard the voice again from the wall on his side - it was an advertisement. The damned TV! A wave of relief washed over him and he switched the TV off.

How did the TV turn itself on though? Did he switch it on before going to sleep? He assumed so, since the switch for the television set was right next to that of the lights. Despite the dazed feeling, scaring himself like that amused him. It was 3 AM. He switched off the other lights on the way back to his room.

He needed the sleep for the day ahead of him.

The bedroom wasn't completely dark without the lights. The pale grey light of the moon was bright enough for him to know that there were things around the room, but not quite enough to know exactly what they were. It gave a serene look to the room - and the bed looked inviting. He would lay that woozy head on the pillow and all would be well in the morning. The pillow didn't feel right when he dropped like a log on the bed, the three hours of sleep changing its shape a little. He didn't even want to open his eyes as he sat up reluctantly and fluffed it a little. He forced himself to open his eyes to adjust the pillow at the head of the bed. It was essential for getting his deep sleep. Just as he dropped back on it on his side, he momentarily saw a dark form in the mirror on the side of the bed behind him. It was as if someone was sitting on the work table, rocking their legs back and forth. He froze.

It was her habit. Anu used to sit there and sway her legs like that all the time.

The chill he got from the TV voices was back, spreading through his body. Sleep deserted him instantly. He was scared to turn around to see what it was. Maybe it was common to get afraid like this for nothing after seeing someone die. He reached out and switched on the bright white CFL lights. Calling on the bravery of all the heroes from the movies he'd watched, he turned around. It was just his laptop backpack on the table, with its straps swaying to the rhythms of the ceiling fan. He laughed a bit at his own silliness, got out of bed, picked up his bag and placed it in a corner on the floor. No more mirror time for you, bag.

He flung himself on the bed, more confident than before about his own silliness. Thieves, ghosts...how much sillier can it get? He turned the light off, and was in dreamland before the minute ended.

Had he not been so confident that his fears were unfounded, had he checked the mirror one more time after switching the lights off, he would have seen a shapeless dark form on the table, rocking its legs slowly. Had he not been too tired to stay awake, he would have heard it murmuring slowly, "Not yet, Suja."

He would wake up exactly at four o'clock. Exactly like he wanted. Not a second later.

-

India is like another planet altogether.

By Frank-O, our international writer.
-

"Oh, Frank. My family's not very open to changes. They're very Orthodox."

When Lakshmi said this to me, I really wondered how their church leanings will decide if they'd approve of me. I'd have never thought Lakshmi was Christian till then - well, yes, she looked like one while in the US - but I'd seen her pictures when she'd been in India (bindi and all the other indian stuff) - and assumed she was not. I'd always been uncomfortable when it came to talking to people about their religion - even if it was my girlfriend.

Her name was weird too - Lakshmi Parthasarathy. It's difficult, that 'ksh' sound. And I gave up trying to pronounce her last name after missing a 'sa' or a 'ra' every time. I just say 'Part' these days. Apparently, Indians from a particular region used their father's first name as their last names. I guess it was a sign of respect.

When the cab was pulling into her house in Chennai (we went to attend her elder brother's wedding and at the same time, introduce myself to the family), I really wished I'd learned more about her country and her family. In the US, Both of us worked for the same firm, we had a lot in common and we had other things to talk about. To be fair to her, she did bring this up an awful lot of times before the trip - and I'd told her I'd manage without listening much to her.

Wikipedia cannot prepare you for India. Trust me on that.

When she'd told her parents about our desire to get married to each other, there had been yelling and shouting and a whole lot of fights - but finally, they'd come around. Another Indian friend of mine, Shaama, suggested that physically going to Lakshmi's part of India was a risk because they might beat me up - and put me back on a flight if I was still alive after the beating. When I told him that Lakshmi called it nonsense, he suggested I watch a specific movie to prepare myself.

I must admit I would not have been that scared if I hadn't listened to him. It was a fictional story about a guy from Shaama's part of India win a girl from the South - Lakshmi's part. You have to see it to believe it. The girl's dad had like a million henchmen - giant thugs who made the biker gangs look like rookies. Shaama said it was fairly common in that part of the country and the movie would have been very realistic if the hero in the movie was killed by the thugs instead of winning the girl with insane stunts. By the way, there's supposed to be an 'r' in Shaama's name, I need to look him up to figure out where.

That also reminds me, I lost internet access along with my contacts and everything once I landed in India. My phone fell on the curb outside the airport - and it turned out curbs in India had a generous number of really sharp stones. My iPhone cracked; Mr.Jobs didn't consider India while designing it, I suppose.

When we reached her place, a couple of women (Laksh's aunts) emulated a theme park ride in front of the two of us using a plate with a very red liquid. Lakshmi's dad told me that it was done to magically ward off evil eyes. I asked him if it was an Indian tradition, he bobbed his head (yes? no?) and said it was a religious thing - a Hindu tradition. That confused me a lot till Lakshmi clarified later that they were indeed Hindus, and she'd used the word 'Orthodox' to mean 'Conservative'. There went the one thing I'd prepared to wow her parents - extracts from the Bible.

Shaama's fears were also misplaced, I suppose. Lakshmi's parents and her extended family talked a lot - but were nowhere near the thugs I saw in the movie. They were very docile and nearly all of them looked like nerds, with the glasses and everything. They were all engineers and doctors - I knew Lakshmi was very intelligent, but till now, I find it really creepy that everyone in the family was intelligent. I am not even exaggerating - her kid brother (Arjun) who was supposed to be in an engineering college, was well versed about everything from Dostoevsky to Burning Man and was a fine conversationalist. He was my stand-in wikipedia till I got a local phone and yes, he did a better job than the website. He also predicted rather accurately where I'd mess up and suggested alternatives before I even needed to ask him. He also asked me about weed and seemed very knowledged about it all. He also suggested that I shouldn't mention it to Lakshmi or her parents.

Lakshmi had told me that the weather would be warm - at about a hundred degrees. I was prepared for that, but no one warned me about the humidity. It took me about five minutes in the open sun to look like I jumped into the shower with all my clothes on. All I did for the first two days was to drink fluids and stay in an air conditioned bedroom. I still felt very dehydrated. The Jet lag was laughably easy to manage in comparison.

One weird thing I wanted to talk about was how they called each other. They did not use names except for the kids - they called each other by how they were related to each other. I guess that was okay for fathers and uncles,  but they did the same for the brother-in-law, the son-in-law, elder siblings and most others. For example, Arjun referred to Lakshmi as 'Akka' (local language for 'elder sister') all the time. Lakshmi proudly said it was a sign of respect, thought I didn't think Arjun's tone was one of respect. The house was packed with, like, 15 people during my stay there, so a lot of these words were flying around. The word for elder brother was Anna - and was very commonly used in the household, confusing me to no end. I didn't know the word to begin with - so I was looking for this mysterious Anna thinking it was someone's name. When I asked people where Anna was, they all pointed at different dudes. Arjun explained it to me on the third day after I asked him why he called his elder brother that. I thought it was all over when a girl called her husband Yaenna and confused me all over again. Lakshmi explained it was a community thing. Apparently, it was common in her community to do that (she called her community Tambram). I found out much later that she was just pulling my legs. I found a place called Tambram in the city only a few days before we flew back. I didn't expect her to fool me like that, though.

I did manage to head back to the US alive, but not before a bunch of crazy adventures. I'll write about them when I have some time.

- Frank.


PS: You know this is a blog for stories / fiction etc right?

It's not strictly business.

I'd have never thought I would ride up a mountain on a hot summer afternoon in a horse driven carriage in the 21st century. I did.

I would not be exaggerating much if I say "there was absolutely nothing there". What could only be described as the remnants of a long forgotten village had a few houses here and there. There weren't much trees - and dirt paths were the best roads I had seen on the way to this place. I could see the Tea estate and the plantation at a distance.

I'd gone there to work at this tea plantation as a manager as one of my assignments with a major multinatiional. Just looking through the numbers and expenses told me that it was being run quite badly - even the basics of management were out of place. People were not being utilised properly and there were a lot of redundant processes - removing which would save a lot of money for the corporation. Streamlining all that by fixing a few processes and firing unnecessary workers was the first thing I was going to do. That alone could get me the promotion and the foreign posting I had been working towards for a few years then.

I sensed an eatery on the way to the plantation. Before I could actually see it, the aroma of freshly prepared food swept me off the ground. I floated towards the eatery like what Scooby doo does in cartoons. There was only one item on the menu - a full south indian meal - but I didn't care as my stomach was growling from all the travel and bad food on the way to this god forsaken, sultry, dry hell of a place.

The food was, in a word, heavenly. At first, I thought it was because I was extremely hungry - but soon, I realised that it was actually extremely good and reminded me of everything awesome I had ever tasted in life, including home food. I ate like someone who was never going to eat again, asking for extra helpings of everything. I added a mental note to come here and eat my lunch every day of the week.

After eating sufficient food to keep me full for the next two days, I went to the counter and asked how much I needed to pay for a full meal with two extra helpings of everything. I was shocked to hear that it costed 20 bucks. "Extra rice alone costs 5 bucks. No extra charge for the rest", the owner said.

"Are all eateries here that good?", I asked the 50 year old shopkeeper, who was also the waiter, the cook etc. He took a second to look at me before saying, "New to this place? There's no other eatery in the village, save the kitchen in the plantation. But then, they only cook for two or three people who run the estate. Workers have to eat here."

I was trained to think of costs, prices and margins of everything I heard. "You are saying, you run the only eatery around here - a high quality one at that - and anyone who doesn't cook at their houses absolutely must come here? and your food is so cheap?"

He smiled and continued, "Yea, I guess so. And no one here cooks at home anymore. Everyone works two shifts at the estate and have no energy left after all the work. Even the plant manager used to come here everyday. He liked the food."

"No wonder", I said, "you should go to the city, man. You could get so much more money."

"Ha ha, no sir. I hail from around here and prefer living here. It is very satisfying, you know?", he said.

"Can the workers here afford to pay more? You should absolutely increase the prices. You are wasting an absolute monopoly if so."

He looked puzzled. "A what? and yes, the guys can and are ready to pay more for the food. I prefer to not raise the price, though. It costs only 7 or 8 rupees to make, more or less. I used to charge six rupees per meal till last year. Raised it to ten this year because of the ever increasing prices."

"Ha ha, old man. Why would you not take money that's waiting for you? At least 50 people eat here everyday, yes? You could easily get 500 rupees more every afternoon just by charging 20 bucks for a meal! Even running for 20 days a month, you will get 10000 bucks more per month. Would help with a nice retirement plan, eh?"

He smiled, thinking of some private joke, "Are you the new manager for the estate?"

I nodded. He continued, "You're trained to think about where you can get more cash from. I am not doing this for that."

"Oh, is this a hobby?"

"In a way, yes. And no. I have no money to go back to, don't mistake me, I depend on this to afford food for my family on a daily basis but my aim is to help all these people who are struggling to make ends meet - what with forced multiple shifts, no money to buy kerosene, no time to go and cut wood, so on and so forth. Many were young twenty year olds who couldn't cook anything even with the recipe and every necessary facility in hand. I worked in that estate. I know."

He took a few seconds to think about some old memory before continuing, "I was good at cooking. I thought I could make everyone's lives easier...and better by doing this. I get wood in the morning, cook and sell food. I go down the hill to get vegetables and stuff after that. That's my daily routine."

"But why? So, I take it you're not ambitious?"

"Oh no, I am extremely ambitious. My ambition is to help others, not myself."

I did not know what to say. He continued, "You see, you are worried about how to make your world better. I am worried about how to make the actual world a better place. Spreading happiness and the like. These are not your well off people, the ones living here. They struggle to live their lives. Helping them creates so much, what can we call it, 'positivity', don't you think?"

"But", I stuttered, "...are you not worried about not having money?"

"Oh when I help people, they know what I am doing for them. I fell ill a few months back. The entire community came forward to help me. Had I run a business for myself, I'd have been left to fight my wars alone. It helps in all these other ways, if you think about it. I am covering all my costs, and I am living a very happy life."

"But then... surely you can't... wait, if you look at...", I was at a loss for words. His business setup was creating value - and he was not using it to achieve what is traditionally considered as the end results of business - money and margins; and I could see that his happiness almost radiated from him.

I'd have never thought I would meet people who would willingly let go of margins to help some one else, when given an option to help themselves. I did.

Why are you running your business again?

A Cobbler's tale

A busy, crowded street on a very hot evening. Or should I call it a very busy market?

"Hawkers and other encroachments have made this once upon a time peaceful promenade a very busy place. In fact, it is only a shopping destination these days for all these youth who don't know what to do on weekends. Only a handful of us choose to have our evening walk here, that too purely out of habit. I've been walking here for the past 23 years. This street has lost its charm, I tell you! ...", the septuagenarian I met a few days ago lamented on with his almost practised speech. 

I was seated at the Barista overseeing the street, with the day's daily in hand. There were several articles that day praising the economic growth this country was heading for... how we'd beat Germany in consumer spending soon and how we'd beat USA and China in X and Y etc. There was very little about scams, thankfully. This was before the outbreak of the 2G or wi-max diaries.

There was also this article about the government order to evacuate encroachments from some roads, to manage traffic better. This specific road was in that list of roads and there were also these views of local residents agreeing with it, which reminded me of the 70 year old thatha's statement. Ha ha, the road isn't going to be the paradise for walking and jogging, people - it is being cleared to ensure better traffic management, at the behest of the showrooms and other shops.

I looked at those hawker shops carefully for the first time, wondering if they knew what was coming, with questions like "Would they protest? Would they go in silence? Would they be silenced?" running through my mind. I saw a family of three - a man, his wife and a little girl - with huge purchases coming out of a showroom, all smiling. The girl was dragging one of her feet, and her mom told her something (of course, I couldn't hear that from that far, not even taking into account all that noise from the traffic). The girl then flung her slippers from her feet and got into a car parked nearby.

I'd never noticed before, but there was a cobbler's place nearby, almost hidden (like the leaky cauldron?) by the huge mall behind him and the jazzy, glittering side of roadside vendors selling rolex watches (yea, right) at 100 bucks a piece. As soon as the car merged with the rest of the traffic, the very old cobbler slowly walked to the platform, his struggle to walk without any support very visible. He took the slippers and went back to his place at the same pace, and started working on it happily. I smiled at the cobbler's 'fortune' and went back to reading the newspaper.

.
.
.

A while later, I was walking along the street to reach the bus stop at the end of it. That was when I saw a 5 year old girl begging in the middle of the street, amidst all the traffic. An auto almost hit her and the auto driver shouted at her to go out of the road. The girl cried, probably out of shock, leaning on the signpost at one end of the street. Just then, the cobbler cried out to her. The girl stared at him for a couple of seconds, wondering why, and then walked up to him. He handed out the pair of slippers he had just stitched and asked her to put them on instead of walking on bare feet in that heat. The child got very excited, put them on and happily jumped all her way along the platform, leaving the cobbler grinning from ear to ear.

I realized then, that the street, that had lost its 'charm' long ago, was also going to lose its heart soon.

Lights, Kung Fu, Action...

There he was, standing in front of me...the greatest living kung fu master. I did have a gun with me and started fitting the silencer to it hurriedly, but I knew he was better than that.

I had walked halfway back across a long pathway lit by a continuous tube-light embedded in the centre of the ceiling...  I expected to find my way to the target at the end of this corridor...but there was nothing at the other end of this tunnel - a simple trap. I ran back but realised halfway back that Kao Peng was waiting for me near the entrance.

"Welcome to my humble abode", he said with a smile on his near-plastic face. His coolers were somewhat bigger than normal and like all masters from movies around the world, he was dressed in white. I knew I was done for. I had to avoid him today to have any chances of seeing tomorrow. But how?

He continued with a smile, "Do you know that if I walk out of this room and press that green button on the outside, you will be locked in for ever? No alarms, No signals, No essscape", with a hiss and a stress on the last word, "but of course, I want to talk to you."

Sometimes, I hate this job.

I had to talk to extend my duration of staying alive. "What do you want from me?"

He smiled as if it was a joke. "Do you, by any chance, know Kung Fu?"

I knew what he was thinking. "No. But why would you want to harm me? I just got lost."

"You got lost? Do you mean to say you are not T439?"

Now, did I have cyanide? Simpler way to die, I tell you. He started walking towards me, increasing his stride and speed with every step. He had that evil sadistic grin on his face that added a whole new dimension to the word 'fear'. I kept my finger on the trigger just in case and was waiting for an opportunity that I knew was not coming.

Within seconds, it seemed like Kao Peng was flying towards me. Strange...He did not even take out his sword yet. Did he think I was so bad a fighter or was he really that strong?

I waited without moving till he was about twenty feet away.

'Thud'. I shot at the tube-lights above me. Not only did the lights go out for the whole room but there was also some form of a gas that started filling the room. I dropped to the ground and rolled to a corner. Kao Peng continued flying in his path with his head towards where I stood and his legs behind him in a straight line as if he was swimming through air. When he reached where I stood (a second later), he somersault-ed in mid air and hit the ground with one of his legs. The floor cracked under his strength.

I took this moment as my chance and shot at him. His reaction was faster than the speed of the bullet; he moved forward, put a hand on the ground, swirled in air, kicked the gun out of my hand with one foot and landed his other foot on my hip, enough to send me flying across the room...all this, I guess, before the bullet from my gun reached the place where he was initially standing. I landed, bounced, rolled, hit the wall at both sides once before I finally stopped myself from rolling with great effort. Kao Peng dusted his white shirt and said, "Impressive", as he started walking balk towards me. I was spitting blood already. It hit me when I saw the external orange lighting brightening the floor on which I was vomitting blood... I was near the door!

With all my strength, which wasn't much, I threw myself to my right, fell outside the door, pushed up as much as I could and pressed the green switch. The door closed and in an instant, Kao Peng made a dent on the steel door. This noise would get someone's notice sooner or later, and I didn't want the monster outside till I left this darn place.

'Thud'. I shot the switch into pieces and walked away, wondering why my head ached more than my hip.

Simple dialogue, Complex reactions

It was raining so hard that day. Nothing was visible beyond a metre or if you were Superman, two metres.

Arjun was seated in his desk wondering if he could close out the stall earlier today because of the rains. But then, he couldn't go home because of the rains, so there was no point doing it. He checked, cross-checked and checked the finances for the day again. Everything was perfect. Sales had been pathetic in the last few days, but he didn't really care. After all, he was seated at the dairy stall at the gate of the biggest dairy in the state and they couldn't care less about the revenue from their single most insignificant stall. Why? Because this was in the middle of nowhere, usually frequented only by people visiting the dairy for business or those school kids who are brought here in the name of an 'excursion'.

Today, thanks to centimetres of rain, he had nothing to do.

"Hello" A voice out of nowhere scared him to death. There was a man in a dark raincoat at the counter, nearly camouflaged by rain.

A customer? in these rains? Probably not.

"Yes? What do you want?"


"Milk, probably"


"..."

"Milk."

A customer, after all.

"How many litres?"

"How many do you have?"

He was stunned by this cross-question. He continued, though.

"Immediately, (pausing for a moment) I have around..."

"No, no...", sounded like he was laughing a little. "...I was asking about the entire dairy"


"..." Stunned was certainly the word.

"You don't know?"

"Tho.. Thousands of litres, sir."

The stranger continued calmly."How many of it can you load into one of your lorries in the next ten minutes?"

"I really don't understand. This is not where you discuss big orders. You can..."

(Interrupting) "No no. Look here, I'll give you 1000 bucks. Can you give me 1000 litres in 20 minutes?"

Arjun felt that there was a sarcastic tone, there. Definitely.

"No, Sir. Half a litre costs 12 bucks. For 1000 rupees, you will get only around 83 litres."

"Sigh", he paused. "I am trying to save you 1000 bucks here with this transaction. Never mind."

"..."

"...and I'd leave for home, even in these rains, within the next twenty five minutes if I were you." ...and the guy turned around and walked.

Arjun kept looking at him as he faded into the rains at a distance.

Today, in spite of centimetres of rain, Arjun had a lot of things to do.

-The End, literally?-

NOTE: Off the top of my head. took 10 minutes. Don't expect even the regular poor quality. This should have been at the top of the post, you say?

Valentine's Day

Aamir was lying on his bed, patiently looking at his gmail screen, with a hot cuppa tea in his hand. It was almost time. 'Work is definitely easier than this' he thought to himself. The afternoon's events were unfolding in his mind. It was two days to Valentine's day and one of his buddies at the workplace, Krishna, had arranged a big evening party at one of the best five star hotels in Bangalore as an auxillary treat for getting married to his childhood sweetheart in January. The bigger problem was that he had invited Aamir... and asked him to come with Alisha.

'No, I've to go to Coimbatore. I've got some work there', 'Dude, she is out of town', 'We are going away from Bangalore this time' were some of the dialogues Aamir had in mind to turn down Krishna's request; but ultimately, he blurted out, 'She doesn't like parties. I don't want to force her, please'. Krishna had convinced him it wouldn't be more of a party than a big buffet with light music (as opposed to heavy music) playing in the background. 'After all', Krishna said, 'We've never met or talked to Alisha! We would want to know who our best friend at office is going to marry, yes?' Aamir didn't know what to do; so, he just grinned, nodded and walked out.

He went straight to his room and wondered what to do. This was going to be embarrassing... not because Alisha didn't like parties, but because Aamir had never talked to Alisha either. Alisha was his classmate at college and Aamir was definitely in love with her, but what he did, that he now felt he shouldn't have, was lying to all his colleagues that Alisha was his girlfriend. Everybody at his workplace seemed to be committed and he didn't want to be left out. So, when Krishna found Alisha's pic in Aamir's wallet...

Krishna said, "Dude, Who is THIS? Doesn't look like your Dad or Mom to me!"

Aamir said, "Oh, that's Alisha." (shit, should have said another name)

Krishna: "Alisha who?"

Aamir: "My... My... classmate at college."

Krishna: (smiling widely) "And why is her photo in your half-torn wallet?"

Aamir: "I... I..."

Krishna: "Dude, you never told us about your girlfriend all these days! Great, man!" (shouts happily to the rest of the people in the room) "Guys, look what I found!"

Aamir: (Shit.)

-------

So, here he was, regretting every lie he told them from how he proposed to her to how they got in trouble with their families to how they are keeping things low for a while. Not to forget all the gifts he bought for himself and telling people, 'Oh, you don't know her! She keeps giving me something or the other'.

Sigh. Whatay tragedy his life was.

In reality, she was a classmate of his to whom he had never said anything except a very blushing 'Hi'. Both Aamir and Alisha were extroverts, but Aamir always managed to lose his voice in her presence. He never told his friends about this 'disease' though, and just cut out Alisha's pic from a class picture and kept it with him. She had added him in her gtalk list surprisingly, but not even that Hi had gone between them online. He had always remained in invisible mode whenever she was online, scared for some reason.

There were two ways out of the situation he got himself into. Feign sickness or urgency or breakup and keep away from the party (which he was most likely to do) and the second was to take this as an opportunity to make all his statements true. Looking at his screen, he knew he had nothing to lose by trying to talk to her. He could use February 14 to propose to her... or better, just invite her to the party as if they were going out for ever. After all, she was also in Bangalore. Over the years he had stalked(??) her, he learnt her every habit. In another few seconds, she would come online to talk to her brother in Georgia. In another few seconds... tick, tick, tick.

Nothing happened. In the next five minutes before she came online, he considered everything from faking an accident to getting into a real one. Then, like I mentioned in the previous sentence, she came online.

He moved his status from invisible to available. He hoped his life would also change from its current invisible mode. Aamir brought up all his courage and typed, "Hi". 'Should I press Enter?' He closed his eyes, prayed like never before for a few intense seconds and opened his eyes. Ta da, she wasn't online. 'Did she go offline because I came online?' 'Was it just a bloody accident?' He went invisible again, went to grab a glass of water and came back to find her online again. He mustered up his courage again and went online. Zap, she went offline again. He was sure now. He didn't want to disturb her if she didn't want to talk to him. He signed out and decided to feign a breakup after a brief crying session in the bathroom.

-------

Another chat window in gtalk, not very far away...

G: Hey Alisha
A: Hi G... How are you, girl... Wassup?
G: Ya good. So, temme, did ya find that Aamir guy from college? Know where he is?
A: No... I have his old email id, though. I am drafting a mail at the moment. Temme some nice words to make that idiot reply. And don't mind if I keep going offline. The power's freaking unstable here.
G: Ok ok.. Put in yar heart and type out a mail. Include yar phone number too. All the best dear! btw, he was kinda cute, wasn't he? :)
A: :)
A: Shut up.
Sent at 11:01 AM on Saturday
A: Oh, this is so embarrassing, G! He might not even remember me... and I'm gonna talk about love and all that. :( Sheesh. Am scared.
G: Awww, come on dear.
A: I think he won't remember me. :(
G: Just send it, Alisha... He sure will... Arjun told me he was nuts about ya back then.
A: What if he has a girlfriend now? :(
G: Who? That guy? Gimme a break! Send it before I come over and do it for ya.
A: I know!

Sent at 11:41 AM on Saturday
A: Okay, here goes nothing!

------

Like every other fairytale, Here's wishing Aamir and Alisha one great happily-ever-after life!


PS:
Happy St.Valentine's day to everybody!

Those of you like Aamir, say it to the girl, NOW.

For those like me who still wonder when things will happen, or worse, 'if' anything will happen at all, keep a hand on your heart and All iz well bolo, All izz well.

Nothing in particular

Scene 1.

It was a December night. The train started moving. I was on my way to Chennai from Bangalore. Got an Upper berth. Six of the remaining seven seats in the box were reserved by octogenarians and the seventh (middle berth) was empty. The list said that it would be a thirty year old man who'd get in at the next station. The old man who got the other upper berth didn't know what to do. None of the others could climb all the way up and people in nearby boxes had turned down his request of exchanging seats.

It took a few minutes to reach the next station and the much looked-forward to 30 yr old got in. He had one look at the old man, the empty upper berth and started shaking his head, "No no no no" and told the old man that booking the upper berth was not his concern in Kannada. Thatha (that's how we call very old people in Thamizh. means 'Grandpa') was thamizh but he guessed the content though. Thatha didn't push his request much because the guy looked dead tired.

The corresponding paati (grandma) was in lower berth and she asked him, "Enna naa solraan?" but he had no need to reply. The guy set up his berth and jumped on to it and switched the iPod on, clearly telling them he doesn't want to be disturbed. The thatha whispered something to paati and waged a battle with the holding rod to get to the upper berth. Slowly, but surely, he made it (though he needed a glass of water immediately).


Scene 2.

I had slept through that day and hence found it difficult to sleep. It must have been sometime over midnight. A guy walked into our cabin, checked his ticket with light from his mobile and woke the guy in the middle berth. 'Yeh tho mera seat hai...' he said.

The guy got confused. 'Arre what? The TTE has already checked. I've booked this till Chennai'. The new guy said, 'No sir. Yeh tho mera berth hai. See? S3, seat 5.' The middle berth madhavan didn't have much patience. 'Please. This is the only chance I've had to sleep in three days. Go check with the TTE. I've also got S3 seat 5 only.' The new guy was unfazed. 'Par yeh tho mera seat hai sir. I also have to sleep na? You're travelling in my ticket and are not even listening to me?', and he switched on the light. Finally, this guy looked into the ticket and said, 'Guru... This is yesterday's ticket.' The new guy was still for a couple of seconds, looked at his ticket once and said, '@#$% !' After saying sorry to the middle berth guy, he left.


Scene 3.

Must have been around four o clock in the morning. There was some external noise in my dreams. I realized I was dreaming and got up to see the thaatha halfway between the upper berth and the floor wondering where his next step should be. Before I realized what was happening, his feet slipped and almost fell. His hand was firmly on the holder so he was literally hanging there.He let go of his hand after a couple of seconds and managed to stand on the floor. I was sitting up by now, and he motioned a 'sorry for the noise' gesture. His face said he hurt something somewhere but he just walked towards the restroom.
I was sure he pulled some muscle somewhere, so was waiting for him to come back in case he needed help. He came back soon and knew that the Upper berth had won the war. He wasn't going up there again!

He woke the 30 year old and requested him to go up again. He gave that 'wtf' look and said, 'Your Chennai's just one hour away!.' 'I seem to have hurt myself coming down, sir. please, if you don't mind...', thatha said. The guy didn't know what to do and reluctantly picked up his bag and moved to the upper berth. The thatha happily slept in the middle berth covering himself from head to toe.


Scene 4.

5 10 AM. Chennai Central. It was still pretty much dark with only the mild yellow lights on.

The paati was up and packed. I was getting down from my berth when the paati was looking at the other upper berth nudging the 30 yr old with a stick, saying, 'Yen na, station vandudthu... Ezhundrungo...' The guy got up and looked around.  I could see tears welling up in his near bright-red eyes as he sat upright and said, 'Please amma, Nange malgokke bidi. Pleasssee.' [Let me sleep. Please.]

---------------

PS: Not entirely true. - 'I' isn't me here. Not entirely my own - a partially true story
Special thanks to Vibha for the kannada translation :)

College - oru Comedy - Episode 3 - Sikkitaan Suresh

Warning: Start from Episode 1

'Present Sir', 'Present Sir' andha kural reverberate agitu irundudu. Apapo dok dok nu eveno drum adikara sattham. BGM ivalo kevalama iruke nu nenachte irukum bodhu elunden. Kanavu. Oru 'present sir' la kavunditiye da Siva nu time pathen.

8 PM. Class mudinju room ku vandhu thoonginavan thaan. Kadhava evano thatraane nu elundu thoranden. Ramesh thaan. Thirumba poyi paduthen.

Ramesh oru aaru second wait panirupaan. 'Dei, enna achu nu keka matiya?'

'Kanavu nalaa irundudu. Continue pananum...'

'Machan, Saranya oda veliya ponen da.'

Kanavellam kalanju poachu.

'Dei!! Enna da solra? Iniku thaane da paatha?!'

'Adu apdi thaan da. ava edho day scholar aam, ondipudur la veedu. hope college nu oru edam poyi thaan bus eranumaam. apdiye kooda bus stop varaikm poitu vanden.'

'Bag thookitu poniyaa? cha, naanum enamo nu nenachten.'

'enna da kevala paduthita. veliya apdie elam soli vekaadha. nalaiku lunch extra eduthutu varenu solirkaa.'

'bag thooka ponavana vera epdi solradaam?'

'ava endha lunch enaku kuduthalum one-third unaku.'

Nee thaan da deivam.

'anga edavadu coffee shop pathiya?'

'Aama da. Tea stall.'

'Cha.'

'Oru bakery pathen da. Banumathi bakery.'

'Urupadiya edavadu solu.'

Romantic nu nenachu panni kutti madhri look vitute sonaan, 'Therialaye. naan avala thaan da pathen.'

'Hmmm. College edhirave oru periya hotel iruke, adhuku thaane pona?'

'Ilaye...'

'Nee pona Ramesh.'

(realising ) 'I am the likings this. Adu per enna da?'

'Andha day scholar ponna nalaiku ketuka.'

'Right' *ceiling ah paathute thalaye aatikittu mind la 'nam thana nam thana' *

'Aprom, inniku class la ece period irundudu la...'

Ramesh anda imagination lendu shock aagi veliya vandaan. 'nee thoongitu ila irundha? unaku epdi da theriyum? thoongara madri nadichtu class gavanichiya?'

'Ada cha. Un butthi enga poga pogudu. Edho ece nu kanavu nadula match eh aagama ketuchu. Seri, apo "present sir" nu oru ponnu azhaga sonaa da. Yaar nu pathiya?'

'Onnu solavaa? Class la irubathu ponnunga irundaanga. Elarum present sir thaan sonanga. Yaar azhaga sonanga, yaaru aalapanaiyoda sonanga nu elam naan gavanikala... Thookathulayum vidaama ipdi ponungala pathiye nenaikara rendu room mate da enaku. Cha. '

'Kandupidikaren.' nu naan enakulaye mind voice la solikiten.

Ramesh sutthi pathutu, 'Indha Suresh paya thaan double bed la first floor venum, first floor venumnu kadiya potu vaanginaan la. endha ^#%$*> ku  keela bag vechaan?'

'Naan thaan da anga vechen. sorry da. Yen dhaan bed bed nu adichikaringalo? Enga paduthaa enna?'

'Adha vidu. Nee anga vecha na avanuku enga poachu arivu?'

'Avan thaan varave ilaye.'

'Dei. Anju maniku ponaan da Senior ah paaka... Time ippo ettu!!!'

------------------------

Kadhava thorandu Baggy ulla vandaan. 'Dei, Suresh enga? Inga thaane irukaan?'

'Ilaye da. avan senior ah paka ponaan 5 maniku' nu Ramesh sonaan.

'Yen, enna aachu?' nu keten.

'Avane thaan da, avane thaan!! Namma hostel maadi lendu paathaa Second year hostel maadi theryum. Anga evanayo round katti otitu irukanga nu oru gumbala mela koodi pathutu irundom. Thoorathulendu paaka ivana madriye irunduchu...'

Suresh kaalai la sona dialog enakkum Ramesh kum at a time mind la odichu. 'Evening sikkinaa overnight thaan di...'


------------------------
Go to Episode 4 Part 1 

College - oru Comedy - Episode 2 - First day class

WARNING: Start from Episode1

Baggy (Bhagirathan thaan, namma Suresh vecha short name Baggy), Paramu, Annamalai overnight nala friends aananga. Enga room la moonu perum 12th std madras la V.....school (known for all sorts of strictness) la mudichrundom. Ivanga school la pana rouse elam ketaa vaazhkai la romba miss pana oru feeling. Seri, ipo eduku adu? kadhai ku povom. Next day morning, moonu perum college ku kelambinom.

Me: Kandippa poi paathu than aganuma? First class poraduku munaadi koviluku povanga nu kelvipatruken. namma senior ah ya pakanum?
Suresh: Mooditu va. Ipo pona avangalum class poganum nu vituduvanga. Evening sikkina overnight thaan di.
Me: Aduvum seri than.
Ramesh: Ungala nenacha comedy ah iruku da.modha naale ipdiya sikkuvinga? naana irunda poyi Vijay style la 'naaaa'nu pammitu vandruven.

Enakum Sureshkum apo thaan andha idea thonuchu.

Me: machi, nee weight ah nadipa la. neeye poyi naan nu sollen.
Suresh: naanum adhan nenachen.

Oru second Ramesh engala paathan. Apo than enaku confidence koodichu.

Ramesh: Enna paatha ungaluku epdi theryudu?
Me: Nee pona nu vechika, avanuku vera oruthanache nu oru doubt irundute irukum. kadaisi varaikm confusion la vitruvanga.
Ramesh: Adiyei... Idhu varaikm Ghilli madri room la ye irundadu edukungara? ipdi sikkama iruka thaan. Ila na engalukum cooling glass potu alaya theriyada?
Suresh: Ivan oruthan epo paru Vijay Vijay nu...
Me: Neeye imagine pannu Ramesh. Girls hostel munadi. Ponnunga elam college pogara time...
Ramesh: Public ah maanam pogum.
Me: No. Famous agiduva.
Ramesh: Andha famous neenga agaradu.
Me: En mela avangaluku gaandu. Nee pona doubt la irupanga. adulayum nee style ah 'naa' pota na vituduvanga.

Five seconds yosichaan.

Ramesh: Enakkenamo idu seriya padala.

Five minutes later, Suresh and Ramesh roundana la irundanga. Main building oda backside varum. Kadhavu pakathula avanga bag oda wait panite thoorathula roundana la ena nadakudu nu pathutu irunden. Anga...

Senior1: Un peru ena sona? Yaru da ivan?
Suresh: Naa, en peru S.Suresh. Ivan peru R.Ramesh. Nethu odi ponavan.
Senior2: Apdiyaa? Paatha romba olliya irundane da nethu?
Ramesh: naa, naduvulainga pesaraduku sorry nga naa. Nethu romba bayandutenunga na. Ungaluku kovam vandrumo nu S.Suresh sonaaru na.
Senior1: Butti inda paya avana pachaya thitnada sonaan la?
Ramesh: Anna, avaru solradainga na nambidadhinga na. Indha romba padikara pasangale apdithanunga na. Naan 'endraa naaye' nu oru kovathula ketuputenunga na.manichirunga na. ungaluku pudikailanga na kandippa niruthipodurenga.
Senior2: Romba pammurane da.
Suresh: Romba nalavan na.
Senior1: (To Suresh) Nee saathu. (To Ramesh) Nee ipo enna pandra, irukara 5 section la yum endha ponnu irukaradu la ye azhagu nu paathtu vara. unaku iniku idhaan assignment. Olunga pana na butti ya naangale midhikarom. Aana mavane, yemathina... butti ya vitu un mela...
Ramesh: Aiyo ennanga na, namma senior ku idhu kooda panaama epdinga na. soltinga la. mudichdalam ga. Anni nga details elam edthutu vandudren na.
Senior3: Anni yaaa...
Ramesh: Ada annan aalu enakku anni thaanenga na. Enaku adutha varusham evalachu varuva na.
Senior1: (To Ramesh) Nee nadathu da nadathu. Endha section?
Suresh: Rendu perum A section than na.
Senior1: Anda class la yachu yar nu pathu vei iniku ok?
Ramesh: Seringa na.
Senior2: Apporam paaruppa Suresh, evening 5 o clock ipdi ka vaa. Konjam pesanum.
Suresh: Annaa... (Mind voice of earlier dialog: Evening sikkinaa overnight thaan di...)
Senior1: Enna da ? Ulaga maanadu iruko?
Suresh: Illa na, Varen na. Ok na.

Thoorathula,

Me: Success.

-------------------

Indha kalavarathula class ku late. physics vaathiyaar apdiye poitu second hour 9 30 ku vara solitaru. apdiye Ramesh ku help pana first row la elaa girls ah yum oru look viten. Sir adha paathu tholachitaaru. 'Centre boy' inum 5 mins anga irunda semester ke absent potuduven nu sona vudane moonu perum corridor end la irukara water-doctor ta poyi settle agitom.

Me: indha class la onnum therala. orey oru sumaar. idha venaa solidalam.
Ramesh: Edhu, third from door ah?
Me: yes...
Ramesh: thanks da. sikkaporadhu naan. unaku poyi help ku vanden paaru.
Suresh: Paramu vum namma class than paathiya?
Ramesh: De, evening sola sonangale. aduku idea kudupiya, ada vitutu...
Me: machi vettiya thaane irukom. Elaa class la yum ponunga first row thaan, onnu onna poyi paatha enna?
Ramesh: Excellent idea.

B section la oruthanayum kaanum. edho lab ku poitanga nu board la eludi irundudu. C section la oru thaarumaaru figure (prachothagam), D la naalu-anju figure and E la sila sumaar.

Suresh: (with aananda kanneer) Kadavulaa paathu senior vaayila apdi oru punishment koduka solirukaan da.
Ramesh: (janakaraj-aboorva sagotharargal style) No silly feelings. Kadamai la paasathuku edam koduka koodadu.

Soon... 9 30 AM.

Physics sir veliya ponaaru, naanga ulla ponom. Last row empty. Seri nu anga settle aanom. Second hour Maths. Oru sir vandaaru. Attendance edutharu. enga moonu perayum edho note panikitaru. Intro nu elaarayum edavadu sola sonaru. Kadasi la poruka mudiyama Ramesh ah nikka vechu oru kelvi ya ketaaru,

Sir: Adepdi da varushaa varusham Madras lendu moonu pasanga vandu first day ve last row la seat pudikiringa?
Ramesh: Vera seat kedaikala sir... Late ah vandhom...
Sir: kedacha munadi vandrupingalo?
Ramesh: Definite ah sir.

Avar chair eduthu first row la girls chair pakathula potaaru.

Sir: Vaanga sir. vandu inga ukaarunga. Ini inda scene podradu, class ku late ah varradhu, idelam pana ipdi thaan.

Ramesh sogamave mugatha vechitu note edthutu ponaan.

Suresh: Pudikadha madriye poraan patha la?
Me: aama da. innaa act!
Suresh: Aduthu indha aal class epo paaru? Kandipa ini late ah than varuven.

Class start aanapram pakathula irunda ponu ta pen ketu vaanginaan.

Suresh: avana kandippa namba kooda serka koodadu da. Naale nimishathu la nacchu nu enjoy pandraan paaru. Naayi, pena va pogaraduku munaadi enta yen kuduthaanu ipo thaane theriyudu...
Me: Vidu da. Avanaachu anubavikatum. Nee board ah paaru. First class.
Suresh: Ipo edho kekaraane. Penaa ku sharpener kekaraano? aiyo ava sirikkarale... Ennala mudiala da, ennala mudiala. School lendu andha naaye kadala podude... neeyo naano edavadu panirupama? mudiala da Siva, mudiala.

Ipadiye poachu.

--------------------

Afternoon lunch saptu mudhal la class ku vandhu centre row la centre moonu seat ah yum pudichu ukandom.

Suresh: (to Ramesh) naan adaye thaan soldren. en ta pesaadha.
Ramesh: Hey, what to do ya? Saranya only talked to me ya. She is not even that attractive da.
Me: Ipo eduku peter vidra?
Ramesh: Apdi elam ila you know...
Suresh: Adukulla Saranya va da... nadatharaane da Siva.
Ramesh: Adelaam ila da. Just friends.
Suresh: Adenna da 'just friends'? friend na avalo elakkarama pocho ungalukku? Indha kadala podara naadharigale ipdi thaan da.
Ramesh: De, ungalukaaga senior ta elam sikkiruken da. Ena da ipdi solringa?
Me: Aama da, aama da. Indha thadava manichu vitudalaam da. (Mind voice: apo thaan adutha thadavayum ivanaye use panalam)
Suresh: (Suddenly getting an idea) Seri, apo enakku Saranya intro thariya?
Ramesh: vandhu... She might not prefer that on the first day you know...

Naan saapta saapatla apdiye thoongiten. Half mayaka state la keta sila words. 'Suresh: andha mess la yum ivan vidaama thinnaan da. thoongama?', 'Prof: In this ECE class, we will study...', 'some girl: present sir', 'Prof: Shivashankar.S', 'Ramesh: De siva, nee thaan da pakki', 'Suresh: (changing voice) present sir'...
5 o clk hostel ku poganum nu elupi vitan Ramesh. Suresh already seniors ah paaka poirundaan.

Ramesh: Nee ipdiye Suresh bag edthutu hostel poidu. saranya wanted to tell me something. Ok?

First day classes over, engaluku andha class la Paramu va matum than theryum. Oh, Ramesh ku Saranya va yum theriyum.

Episode 3 here

College - oru Comedy - Pilot Episode 1 (part 2)

Parts 2 and 3

Warning: read part 1 first

Location: Palani Hostel Room 111. First floor la centre room. Adhanga, namma room. 6 PM.


Naanum Suresh um room la enter aanom. Enaku kilinja shirt pocket. Avanuku shirt eh kilinjadu. Adu varaikm vittatha paathu paduthu kedanda Ramesh 'deeaaaiii' nu iluthu raagam paadi elundu ukkaandan.

Suresh enna paathu, 'College serndu karumam 6 hours thaan aagudu. Adukulla oru palla kaanom. Cha' nu veruthu sonaan. Naan avana pidichu room la irunda oru chair la ukara vechen. First floor eh kilinja sattai yaaru nu paka kooditu irundudu. Room ah close pani lock panitu naanum single bed la sarinjen.

Kanna moodina udane ramesh chuma ilaama sonaan, 'Ennada veladringala? neenga paata vandhu thoongaringa? Enna vitutu engayo godha la erangittu adha patthi solla kooda matingala?'

Suresh gaandaitaan. 'Pal ila nu kooda paaka maten. kadichu vechiruven' nu sonaan. adukapram enna aachu theriyadu. thoongiten. sorry. mayangiten.


9 PM.

Elundu ukaanda Ramesh biscuit packet vangi vechrundaan,

'Mess Idli weight da. Seri nu moonu perukum biscuit packet vangitu vanduten' nu sonaan. Suresh inum mayakathila irundaan.

'nala irundaa idli ye sapda vendyadu thaane?'

'Weight nu literal ah sonen.'

''

'Adha eduthu un thalai la ongi adicha uyir poidum. avalo weight.'

''

'Pinna enna da... Elupina kooda madikama rendu perukum apdi oru thookam? Ennaya kadha ketu pakathu room pasanga savadikaranga.'

'Seri, avangalayum koopdu. Yaar nu papom. Oreydiya solidalam. Aprom Suresh mugathla konjam thanni thelichu vidu. Mayakam theliyum.'

'Edhu Mayakamaaa?'

-------------------


Pakathu room pasanga Annamalai, Bhagirathan and Parameswaran. Parameswaran oor lendu varumbodhe 2 kilo bakkada elarukum edthutu vandurukan. Adula minjina rendu moonu piece ah thinnute naanum Suresh um kadha sollitrundom.

'Wow', adhu Ramesh, 'Girls hostel edhira maram, aduku keela oru bench. Romantic da.'

'Full ah kelu' nu sonen. Seri nu aarvama ketanga.

Suresh than kadha solitu irundan. 'Naanga rendu perum irundoma, apo 'excuse me' nu oru koral.'

Ramesh: mela solu.

Suresh: Paatha, adhu oru kanaadi pota kandraavi.

Ramesh: Ponnaa?

Suresh: Illa da. oru sodabutti paya.

Ramesh: Adhaana paathen. Neeyavadu, ponnungala yaavadu, thitradavadu...

Baghirathan um oru sodabutti.

Baghi: Ipo kanaadi potavanga mela unaku enna gaandu?

Suresh: Sorry brother. Elar mela elam ila. Andha aravekkaadu mela mattum thaan enakku total kaduppu. Continuing, college sernda anaiku Girls hostel ngara kovil edhira irukaradu kooda theriyama avan ena ketaan theryumaa? Aduku total Opposite direction la thoorama irunda building ah kaati adhaane main building, anga thana first year ku class edupanga nu ketaan.

Ramesh: Aravekkaadu noothula oru vaartha da.

Suresh: (acknowledge pannitu) aduku idho irukaane puniyavaan, vaaya vechitu chuma ilama ketta vaarthai la ye thititaan. kadiyaagi avanum poitaan.

Me: Control pana mudiyala da.

Ramesh: I can understand. But andha madri aarvakolaaru elam ketta vaartha pesinavan elam jenma edhiri nu suthuvanga. pathuka.

Baghi: Vidu vidu. Aprom?

Suresh: Aprom enna, apdiye andha classroom vecha building pakam poyi, naduvula irunda roundana la irundavan ta edo discussion nadathinaan. anga irunda naalu pera kootitu anda paya inga vandaan.

Paramu: Sodabutti um ah?

Suresh: Illa. avan angaye roundana pakam mutti potutrundaan. apove ushar aagirukanum.

Me: Andha ^#%$( edayo keezha potu kannu theriyama theditrundanu nenachen.

Bhagi: Seniors oh?

Me: Aama.

Suresh: Vandaanga. Oruthan en kan la irunda ray ban ah edthu potukitan.Inoruthan anda gap la oru ara vitaan.

Me: Naan immediate ah spot ah gaali pana pathen. Moonavadu irundavan en shirt pocket ah pudichan. Pocket la onum ila da paradesi nu mind la strike aachu. pichitu poiten. evanum thorathala.

Suresh: Avan size ah pathu orey oruthan pudika ponaan. Ess agitaan. enna moonu per valachitanga. Oru anju nimisham adichtu, first year epdi nadandukanum nu anda sodabutti ya pathu kathuka nu solitu marupadiyum poitanga.

Me: Aprom naan thaan avanga pogara varaikm olinju irundutu aprom ivana allitu vanden.

Suresh: thanks machi. aprom onnu sola maranduten. Unna naalaiku roundana ku kootitu vara sonanga.

Me: Ha ha.

Suresh: Serious ah.

Me: Dei.

Suresh: Illa na enna hostel pugundu adipenu solirukanga...

Me: Enna koduma sir idhu.

---

Episode 2 link

College - oru Comedy - Pilot Episode (part 1)

- A totally imaginary serial(many posts coming up) experience you can (hopefully) relate to. Proceed if you understand thamizh (tamil). First person narration purely a matter of storytelling and does not mean it relates to me.

Adu oru Social network illaada kaalam.

'CIT kedachruku machi. Range brand name. School thaan oru waste ah poachu. College la paaru, epdi kalakaren nu. coimbatore full ah azhagana ponnunga than. adula oruthiku koodava pudikama poidum nammala? ' nu en friend ta sonen.

Avan apovey sonaan. Adukkelaam oru macham venum da Siva nu. Aana andha time, en nambikai aarvathula dance aadina kaalam. Avana nambaama vaazhkai la ye podaada cooling glass elam vangitu college vandu sernden. Appa amma kooda college main building munaadi foto eduthutu ooruku anupi vechen. ‘kadai la poyi kilinja jeans ah vaangina nu mattum therinjudu…’ nu normal aana kural la warn pannitu kelambinanga amma.

School la kooda padicha rendu pasanga than room mates. ‘Hostel la yen da cooling glass ah potu savadikara?’ nu Ramesh(one room mate) ketaan. ‘Inime appadi thaan’ nu nayagan madri dialog vitutu girls hostel enda pakam nu pakalam nu yartayum solama kelambinen. Oru direction ah paathu nadanden. Onnu ragging irukaa ilaya nu theriyala. Rendu indha pakam ponaa than warden office. Kandipa seniors yarum iruka matanga. Moonu cooling glass potutu poitrunden. Mind voice la ‘kandukondaen kandukondaen’.

Apdiye ponaa ponunga density adhigama irukara oru area vandudu. Oru gate. Aduku oru watchman. Thaandina rendu building. College ku ularaye gate pota adhu girls hostel ah thaan irukum nu mudivu panen. Anga ukaandu site adika location iruka nu apdiye paathaa, pakka location. Oru maram. Aduku keela park la elam irukara bench. Adula already oruthan irundaan. Vera yaaru, namma second room mate Suresh.

‘Vaa da machi. Nee varalaye nu than paathen’ nu thalli ukaandan. Avan potutrundadu ray-ban glass. En mokka cooler mottha value eh 30 Rs thaan. First velayaa adha kalatti pant pocket la potutu avan pakathula settle aanen.

Episode 1 Part 2 here