India is like another planet altogether.

By Frank-O, our international writer.
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"Oh, Frank. My family's not very open to changes. They're very Orthodox."

When Lakshmi said this to me, I really wondered how their church leanings will decide if they'd approve of me. I'd have never thought Lakshmi was Christian till then - well, yes, she looked like one while in the US - but I'd seen her pictures when she'd been in India (bindi and all the other indian stuff) - and assumed she was not. I'd always been uncomfortable when it came to talking to people about their religion - even if it was my girlfriend.

Her name was weird too - Lakshmi Parthasarathy. It's difficult, that 'ksh' sound. And I gave up trying to pronounce her last name after missing a 'sa' or a 'ra' every time. I just say 'Part' these days. Apparently, Indians from a particular region used their father's first name as their last names. I guess it was a sign of respect.

When the cab was pulling into her house in Chennai (we went to attend her elder brother's wedding and at the same time, introduce myself to the family), I really wished I'd learned more about her country and her family. In the US, Both of us worked for the same firm, we had a lot in common and we had other things to talk about. To be fair to her, she did bring this up an awful lot of times before the trip - and I'd told her I'd manage without listening much to her.

Wikipedia cannot prepare you for India. Trust me on that.

When she'd told her parents about our desire to get married to each other, there had been yelling and shouting and a whole lot of fights - but finally, they'd come around. Another Indian friend of mine, Shaama, suggested that physically going to Lakshmi's part of India was a risk because they might beat me up - and put me back on a flight if I was still alive after the beating. When I told him that Lakshmi called it nonsense, he suggested I watch a specific movie to prepare myself.

I must admit I would not have been that scared if I hadn't listened to him. It was a fictional story about a guy from Shaama's part of India win a girl from the South - Lakshmi's part. You have to see it to believe it. The girl's dad had like a million henchmen - giant thugs who made the biker gangs look like rookies. Shaama said it was fairly common in that part of the country and the movie would have been very realistic if the hero in the movie was killed by the thugs instead of winning the girl with insane stunts. By the way, there's supposed to be an 'r' in Shaama's name, I need to look him up to figure out where.

That also reminds me, I lost internet access along with my contacts and everything once I landed in India. My phone fell on the curb outside the airport - and it turned out curbs in India had a generous number of really sharp stones. My iPhone cracked; Mr.Jobs didn't consider India while designing it, I suppose.

When we reached her place, a couple of women (Laksh's aunts) emulated a theme park ride in front of the two of us using a plate with a very red liquid. Lakshmi's dad told me that it was done to magically ward off evil eyes. I asked him if it was an Indian tradition, he bobbed his head (yes? no?) and said it was a religious thing - a Hindu tradition. That confused me a lot till Lakshmi clarified later that they were indeed Hindus, and she'd used the word 'Orthodox' to mean 'Conservative'. There went the one thing I'd prepared to wow her parents - extracts from the Bible.

Shaama's fears were also misplaced, I suppose. Lakshmi's parents and her extended family talked a lot - but were nowhere near the thugs I saw in the movie. They were very docile and nearly all of them looked like nerds, with the glasses and everything. They were all engineers and doctors - I knew Lakshmi was very intelligent, but till now, I find it really creepy that everyone in the family was intelligent. I am not even exaggerating - her kid brother (Arjun) who was supposed to be in an engineering college, was well versed about everything from Dostoevsky to Burning Man and was a fine conversationalist. He was my stand-in wikipedia till I got a local phone and yes, he did a better job than the website. He also predicted rather accurately where I'd mess up and suggested alternatives before I even needed to ask him. He also asked me about weed and seemed very knowledged about it all. He also suggested that I shouldn't mention it to Lakshmi or her parents.

Lakshmi had told me that the weather would be warm - at about a hundred degrees. I was prepared for that, but no one warned me about the humidity. It took me about five minutes in the open sun to look like I jumped into the shower with all my clothes on. All I did for the first two days was to drink fluids and stay in an air conditioned bedroom. I still felt very dehydrated. The Jet lag was laughably easy to manage in comparison.

One weird thing I wanted to talk about was how they called each other. They did not use names except for the kids - they called each other by how they were related to each other. I guess that was okay for fathers and uncles,  but they did the same for the brother-in-law, the son-in-law, elder siblings and most others. For example, Arjun referred to Lakshmi as 'Akka' (local language for 'elder sister') all the time. Lakshmi proudly said it was a sign of respect, thought I didn't think Arjun's tone was one of respect. The house was packed with, like, 15 people during my stay there, so a lot of these words were flying around. The word for elder brother was Anna - and was very commonly used in the household, confusing me to no end. I didn't know the word to begin with - so I was looking for this mysterious Anna thinking it was someone's name. When I asked people where Anna was, they all pointed at different dudes. Arjun explained it to me on the third day after I asked him why he called his elder brother that. I thought it was all over when a girl called her husband Yaenna and confused me all over again. Lakshmi explained it was a community thing. Apparently, it was common in her community to do that (she called her community Tambram). I found out much later that she was just pulling my legs. I found a place called Tambram in the city only a few days before we flew back. I didn't expect her to fool me like that, though.

I did manage to head back to the US alive, but not before a bunch of crazy adventures. I'll write about them when I have some time.

- Frank.


PS: You know this is a blog for stories / fiction etc right?

It's not strictly business.

I'd have never thought I would ride up a mountain on a hot summer afternoon in a horse driven carriage in the 21st century. I did.

I would not be exaggerating much if I say "there was absolutely nothing there". What could only be described as the remnants of a long forgotten village had a few houses here and there. There weren't much trees - and dirt paths were the best roads I had seen on the way to this place. I could see the Tea estate and the plantation at a distance.

I'd gone there to work at this tea plantation as a manager as one of my assignments with a major multinatiional. Just looking through the numbers and expenses told me that it was being run quite badly - even the basics of management were out of place. People were not being utilised properly and there were a lot of redundant processes - removing which would save a lot of money for the corporation. Streamlining all that by fixing a few processes and firing unnecessary workers was the first thing I was going to do. That alone could get me the promotion and the foreign posting I had been working towards for a few years then.

I sensed an eatery on the way to the plantation. Before I could actually see it, the aroma of freshly prepared food swept me off the ground. I floated towards the eatery like what Scooby doo does in cartoons. There was only one item on the menu - a full south indian meal - but I didn't care as my stomach was growling from all the travel and bad food on the way to this god forsaken, sultry, dry hell of a place.

The food was, in a word, heavenly. At first, I thought it was because I was extremely hungry - but soon, I realised that it was actually extremely good and reminded me of everything awesome I had ever tasted in life, including home food. I ate like someone who was never going to eat again, asking for extra helpings of everything. I added a mental note to come here and eat my lunch every day of the week.

After eating sufficient food to keep me full for the next two days, I went to the counter and asked how much I needed to pay for a full meal with two extra helpings of everything. I was shocked to hear that it costed 20 bucks. "Extra rice alone costs 5 bucks. No extra charge for the rest", the owner said.

"Are all eateries here that good?", I asked the 50 year old shopkeeper, who was also the waiter, the cook etc. He took a second to look at me before saying, "New to this place? There's no other eatery in the village, save the kitchen in the plantation. But then, they only cook for two or three people who run the estate. Workers have to eat here."

I was trained to think of costs, prices and margins of everything I heard. "You are saying, you run the only eatery around here - a high quality one at that - and anyone who doesn't cook at their houses absolutely must come here? and your food is so cheap?"

He smiled and continued, "Yea, I guess so. And no one here cooks at home anymore. Everyone works two shifts at the estate and have no energy left after all the work. Even the plant manager used to come here everyday. He liked the food."

"No wonder", I said, "you should go to the city, man. You could get so much more money."

"Ha ha, no sir. I hail from around here and prefer living here. It is very satisfying, you know?", he said.

"Can the workers here afford to pay more? You should absolutely increase the prices. You are wasting an absolute monopoly if so."

He looked puzzled. "A what? and yes, the guys can and are ready to pay more for the food. I prefer to not raise the price, though. It costs only 7 or 8 rupees to make, more or less. I used to charge six rupees per meal till last year. Raised it to ten this year because of the ever increasing prices."

"Ha ha, old man. Why would you not take money that's waiting for you? At least 50 people eat here everyday, yes? You could easily get 500 rupees more every afternoon just by charging 20 bucks for a meal! Even running for 20 days a month, you will get 10000 bucks more per month. Would help with a nice retirement plan, eh?"

He smiled, thinking of some private joke, "Are you the new manager for the estate?"

I nodded. He continued, "You're trained to think about where you can get more cash from. I am not doing this for that."

"Oh, is this a hobby?"

"In a way, yes. And no. I have no money to go back to, don't mistake me, I depend on this to afford food for my family on a daily basis but my aim is to help all these people who are struggling to make ends meet - what with forced multiple shifts, no money to buy kerosene, no time to go and cut wood, so on and so forth. Many were young twenty year olds who couldn't cook anything even with the recipe and every necessary facility in hand. I worked in that estate. I know."

He took a few seconds to think about some old memory before continuing, "I was good at cooking. I thought I could make everyone's lives easier...and better by doing this. I get wood in the morning, cook and sell food. I go down the hill to get vegetables and stuff after that. That's my daily routine."

"But why? So, I take it you're not ambitious?"

"Oh no, I am extremely ambitious. My ambition is to help others, not myself."

I did not know what to say. He continued, "You see, you are worried about how to make your world better. I am worried about how to make the actual world a better place. Spreading happiness and the like. These are not your well off people, the ones living here. They struggle to live their lives. Helping them creates so much, what can we call it, 'positivity', don't you think?"

"But", I stuttered, "...are you not worried about not having money?"

"Oh when I help people, they know what I am doing for them. I fell ill a few months back. The entire community came forward to help me. Had I run a business for myself, I'd have been left to fight my wars alone. It helps in all these other ways, if you think about it. I am covering all my costs, and I am living a very happy life."

"But then... surely you can't... wait, if you look at...", I was at a loss for words. His business setup was creating value - and he was not using it to achieve what is traditionally considered as the end results of business - money and margins; and I could see that his happiness almost radiated from him.

I'd have never thought I would meet people who would willingly let go of margins to help some one else, when given an option to help themselves. I did.

Why are you running your business again?

College - Episode 4 (Part 1) - "அத பத்தி மட்டும் கேக்காத"

Warning: Start from Episode 1

Episode 3 linked here
(writing in thamizh as per reader request. Should I switch back to an English script?)

சுரேஷ் overnight ஹீரோ ஆனான். 9 ௦5கு ஹாஸ்டல் வாட்ச்மன் உள்ள விடும் போது "எங்க டா போயிட்டு வர?" னு கேட்டான். "விடுய்யா" னு சோகமா சொல்லிட்டு உள்ள வந்தான். ஹாஸ்டல் ஏ அவன் எந்த நிலமைல வந்துருக்கான் னு பாக்க கூடி இருந்துச்சு.

"மச்சி, என்ன டா ஆச்சு?", "எப்டி எல்லாம் டா ஒட்னாங்க?", "ஷர்ட் எல்லாம் ஏன் டா ஒரே மன்னா இருக்கு?", "அடிச்சாங்களா டா?", "எவளோ நேரம் டா அங்க இருந்த?", "அதென்ன கை ல, ரத்தமா?"... இது மாதிரி பல கேள்விகள மதிக்காம straight ஆ ரூம் ல போயி படுத்தான். நாங்களும் disturb பன்ன வேணான்னு விட்டோம். நடு ராத்திரி அவன் அழற சவுண்ட் லைட் ஆ கேட்டுச்சு.

Night சுமார் நாலு மணிக்கு "ரமேஷு? சிவா?" னு சவுண்ட் விட்டான். அது வரைக்கும் தூங்காம அதுக்கு தான் வெயிட் பண்ணிட்டு இருந்தோம். 2 minutes ல லைட் அ போட்டு கத கேக்க ரெடியா உகாந்தோம். bunker மேல இருந்து லைட் ஆ எழுந்து எங்களையே உத்து பாத்தான் ஒரு நிமிஷத்துக்கு.

ரமேஷ்: "பாத்துட்டே இருந்தா? சொல்லுடா கதைய... என்ன ஆச்சு?"
சுரேஷ்: "தண்ணி பிடிச்சு வெச்ருகின்களா னு கேக்க வந்தேன் டா..."
ரமேஷ், நான்: "ஓ.."

ஒரு நிமிஷம் யாரும் பேசல.

நான்: "செரி, இப்போ கதை சொல்றியா, இல்லையா? இல்லனா சொல்லு, தூங்கவாச்சு செய்வேன்..."
சுரேஷ்: "அட நாதாரிகளா, தண்ணி கூட கொடுக்க மாட்டிங்களா டா!"
ரமேஷ்: "இந்தா புடி..."

ஒரு நிமிஷம் பொறுமையா தண்ணிய குடிச்சான். குடிச்சிட்டு திரும்ப படுத்தான்.

ரமேஷ்: "டே சுரேஷா... கதை சொல்லு டா, தூக்கமே வர மாட்டேன்குது..."
சுரேஷ்: "அத பத்தி மட்டும் என் கிட்ட எதுவும் கேக்காதிங்க டா... நானே நொந்து போயிருக்கேன்... College சேர்ந்த மொத நாள். தர்ம அடி. விடுங்க டா."

In English:

Suresh overnight hero aanan. 9:05 ku watchman ulla vidumbodhu "engayya poitu vara?" nu ketaaru. "Viduya yov" nu sogama solitu ula vandhan. Varusha varusham watchman idelam pakaradu thane. iniku ivana nu manasula nenachutu ula vitaaru. Full hostel namma Suresh nelamaya paaka koodi irundudu.

"Machi, ennaachu?", "Light joke vechu otinangala?", "Shirt elaam yen orey mannaa irukku? Purandiyo?", "Adichangala da?", "Romba nerama sikita pola?", "Adenna elbow pakam? Rathama?"... Idhu madhiri pala questions ah madhikaama straight ah roomuku poyi paduthaan. Naangalum naduvula konjam disturb pana venaanu vitom.

Midnight pakam azhara sattham ketuchu.

Summar naalu mani irukum. "Rameshu? Siva?" nu sound vittaan. Adhu varaikum thoongaama adhuku thaane wait panitu irundom! Rende second la light elam potu kadha keka ready ah ukandhom. Bunker mela irundu light ah thalaya matum thooki engalaye utthu pathan.

Ramesh: "Paathute irunda? Kadha solu machi. Enaachu?"
Suresh: "Thanni pidichu vechrukingala nu keka vanden..."
Ramesh, me: "Oh.."

Konja neram silence la poachu.

Me: "Seri ipo kadha sola poriya ilaya? Illa na thoongavachu seiven."
Suresh: "Ada naatharigala! Thanni kooda kuduka matingala da?"
Ramesh: "Indha pudi..."

Porumaya thanniya kudichan. Kudichitu mudikatum nu wait panom.

Ramesh: "De Suresha, kadha solu da. Thookame vara matengudu"
Suresh: "Idenna Bed time story ah da? Adha patthi matum kekadhinga da... Naane nondhu poiruken. College join pani first day... evalo adi! Vidraa."